I was in treatment for anorexia for 5 months about 6 months ago. I have never been fully committed to recovery, but I do desire to want recovery. I am constantly questioning why I should get better? Like, I just ask why? What is the point in me getting better? I am a Christian and want to live my life for God, but I can’t seem to answer this question in my head! And I have severe feelings of worthlessness and bad trust issues. I do not know what advice you can provide me to help with my self-esteem and my question, but any is accepted. – J.
Dear J.
Thank you for your questions. I am impressed at your honesty with yourself – admitting that your desire to give up your eating disorder is not where it needs to be. As you said, at least you want to.
Yes, eating disorders SEEM to “work’ for us in the short run. The problem is we are deluded in our thinking as long as the disorder is in charge. We don’t see how free we can be. We’ve forgotten how good we can feel about ourselves when we are living in accordance with our truest values. For example, as a Christian, you probably value compassion and service to others. Yet, the obsessive nature of an eating disorder actually creates a very self-centered way of life. Our highest priority becomes our weight and we think of how to manage it all of the time. I bet that is not who you want to be. One of the gifts of recovery is that you get to feel less obsession and guilt. The freedom from obsession is a freedom beyond our greatest expectations. Anorexics with strong recovery almost always wish they had given themselves a chance at this freedom much sooner.
J., I suspect you are strong and can be very determined. Most anorexics have no shortage of strength…more than enough strength to face the fear and insecurity of committing yourself to a new way of thinking. Constance’s book “Life Inside the Thin Cage” is one of many inspirational stories of others who have made this difficult decision.
Our Best,
Carla