I have been bulimic since age 16. I am now 45. No amount of praying or faith in God seems to arrest my behavior. I am about to give up. Is there hope for me? Is there something wrong inside me that I haven’t found yet? Or is this just a terrible “habit”? HELP – ZM
Dear ZM:
One of the most difficult and challenging things for most persons who want change is to STOP a particular behavior. It is easier to START or continue a behavior. To STOP implies that you will leave something behind. I am of the belief that we seek those things that help us regulate ourselves; therefore, it is possible that you have a “habit” or a habitual friend that you have turned to (for 30 years) to help you.
What if you changed your goal from arresting the behavior to embracing it? What if you spent more time talking to the behavior and inquiring, with a great amount of grace towards self, about how it helps? What does it want? What does it hope for? It is not something “wrong” inside of you. Perhaps much has happened to you over your life story or perhaps you have never known full, unconditional, acceptance?
When you write that you are about to “give up” I worry. What exactly does that mean? Are you contemplating not living? Are you seeking professional help? Does anyone around you know your status of wanting to “give up”? I am not able to detect from the question submitted if you have had treatment or are involved in any recovery/treatment programs. Your question appears to be an invitation for conversation, for help, for HOPE. As a panelist responding to questions via the internet I am not able to meet you face-to-face but my heart hears that you desperately want to live free and not feel trapped or isolated by the disordered eating. And I send full encouragement to you to keep trying, keep talking, keep writing and find a treatment provider that hears your story and assists you in a recovery plan. See “Finding Treatment” for further guidance. Also view the video “Hope for Freedom.”
Warmly,
Leanne Spencer, LPC, MAMFC, CGE